ihad hopes and dreams
by Alexandra Shinai
Summary: "i did this for you." Very angsty. Mainly Seddie, implied Creddie.


**Haven't done a fic for iCarly in a while, but I was watching some of ColoursOfTheDawn's Seddie vids and was inspired to make an iCarly fic.. So here it is. It's not completely Seddie.. It's Seddie, I suppose, one-sided undeveloped Seddie. Yes, I do realize that if Sam had been anorexic as long as implied, she probably would've died earlier.. please don't focus on that.**

samantha puckett is a girl with hopes and dreams.

maybe.

she is often confused with her twin sister, melanie _(just in appearance_)

samantha puckett is a broken girl. insecurities lie just under her skin.

her best friend is carly shay, a beautiful, talented girl. carly knows more about sam than anyone else _(carly might even know more than she does_)

samantha puckett has a diary. only one thing is in the diary. a list of her wishes in order from least to greatest. there are 16 wishes.

numbers 1-15 are bacon _(but it's not good for her)_

number 16 is freddie.

sam is jealous, but she won't tell anyone that.

she's jealous of carly, because carly's pretty and naturally nice.

she's jealous of melanie, because melanie has perfect grades, perfect hair, perfect complexion _(and should've been the only child of pam puckett_)

she's jealous of freddie, because he can get girls if he wants them. she can't get boys even if she wants them _(she tells herself she's not good enough)_

she's even jealous of spencer because he has his life planned out. he has a home and his dream job _(and his dad loves him and carly)_

samantha puckett never had any of those things. she never had a home _(born on a bus_), she could never be nice _(nice never gets you anywhere_), she could never be skinny enough to her _(obsessed with meat and fatcakes_), she could never get good grades _(school didn't make sense to her_)

to most people, mainly carly shay, samantha puckett is a normal girl. she smiles and laughs. she has a best friend and a sister. she goes to school and doesn't really care about it.

_(shh, those happy emotions are fake)_

she's had crushes, boyfriends _(but they never really loved her)_

that's what she's looking for. _(a boy to hold her and kiss her and tell her he loves her_)

her secret crush probably would. if only he did love her.

but he doesn't love her. after all, he's been crushing on carly since the sixth grade _(and obviously what belongs to carly can't be hers_)

* * *

><p>freddie finds sam's diary. her locker's left open and the diary is sitting in it, almost taunting him <em>(but really, sam was chasing after carly to talk to her<em>)

freddie's thumbing through the diary when sam returns. he doesn't notice her and she stops dead in her tracks when she sees it _(then she runs away)_

she locks herself in a dirty bathroom stall and starts to cry _(even though samantha puckett doesn't cry, she does when her life is ruined)_

it's ruined because freddie will know sam loves him. she never wanted anyone to know that _(not even her best friend knew_)

she wipes her tears away, opens the stall door and goes to the sink. she turns the faucet on, and fills up the sink _(and a moment later, the water starts to turn red)_

_(drip. drip.)_

* * *

><p>she's studying <em>(pretending to<em>) after school. her phone rings and she doesn't pause to look at the caller id.

"hello?"

"sam?"

she freezes.

"yes?"

"i.. um.. found your diary."

the line goes dead.

* * *

><p>for the next month, he tries to talk to her after school. she ignores him. he tells carly.<p>

carly's in shock too. they both try to talk to her.

one day, she just loses it.

"fine, benson, you really want to know? i love you! okay, happy?" she shouts at freddie when he tries to talk to her again. her eyes start to fill with tears and she storms away _(and a forbidden tear slides down her cheek_)

samantha puckett falls into a deep depression _(if you could call it that_)

she cares even less about school _(doesn't even try)_, has no emotion when doing icarly _(but her voice sounds like she's about to break down and cry_)

she spends more time at her house, and the only time she comes to bushwell plaza are the times that they have to rehearse and do icarly.

the sparkle in her blue eyes dims, and her hair loses its natural shine as well _(but a picture is worth a thousand words)_

she stops bullying people. she rarely ever talks. she is a quiet, reserved girl.

the real sam puckett has died. in her place is this shell of a girl _(who's name is samantha and not sam)_

_(one drop, two drops, look at the water changing colors)_

* * *

><p>people are concerned. carly is, spencer is, principal franklin is <em>(hell, even her own mother is concerned<em>)

but they don't know what she does. they just know that the real sam is gone.

"where's my meat-loving, awesome best friend?" carly asks her one day in the hallways of ridgeway.

"gone." she answers.

* * *

><p><em>(three drops, four drops)<em>

* * *

><p>sam shows up at the groovy smoothie one day. she notices that carly and freddie are there, but she ignores them. she orders a blueberry banana blitz <em>(but she used to hate that flavor)<em>

they take her appearance in, and carly is scared. very, very scared.

carly notices how her blue eyes are dim, how her blonde hair has lost its luster, how she is both morose and composed.

she notices the way her cheeks seem to sink into her face _(and are those size 0 jeans?)_

sam leaves without a word, barely gripping her smoothie.

_(she drinks it but it comes back later)_

* * *

><p>"sam, what's wrong with you?" freddie asks her one day. that morning, it had been freezing, and she was wearing baggy clothes, but she had nothing to keep her warm. her lips are tinged blue from the cold.<p>

"everything." she replies. _(that's the truth)_

* * *

><p>she's forced to talk to school counselors, psychiatrists, therapists..<p>

she doesn't tell them anything.

_(she can't breathe)_

samantha puckett used to find comfort in the form of her best friend, carly shay.

now, she finds comfort from the cracks in her ceiling or the freezing temperatures in the winter in seattle. _(she also finds comfort from the red water and the porcelain bowl)_

* * *

><p>samantha puckett is a sickly teenage girl <em>(shh, don't tell<em>)

she's very skinny _(but she'll still tell herself she's fat), _carly still believes she wears size 0 jeans. she wears long sleeves and thick, baggy clothes.

she'll never admit why she wears long sleeves or thick, baggy clothes _(or why she's turned to melanie for advice and comfort_)

melanie knows.

but no one else does.

_(shh, don't tell carly)_

* * *

><p>the day that they found out was a very, very bad day. melanie couldn't put up with seeing her sister, her own flesh and blood, live like this <em>(so she told them<em>)

they confronted her. she ran away. _(drip, drop)_

after the water turns red, she lets the sink drain and watches it all disappear. she proceeds to lock herself in a stall and cry, fucking sob her heart out. _(and he listens to her desperate sobs)_

she opens the stall door and isn't surprised to see freddie standing there. she's a mess. her eyes are swollen and red-rimmed, her wrists are throbbing dully, and she can't think coherently.

she kisses him forcefully and his lips move in sync with hers. they break away and he looks to her for an explanation.

"i don't have anything to risk anymore," she says, shaking her head. then she leaves.

* * *

><p>the next day, she finds her diary in her locker. she takes a pen, marks out every "bacon", and replaces it with freddie.<p>

she thinks it's cliché to throw her life away over a boy. but she does it anyways _(samantha puckett would rather be cliché than nothing)_

so she still visits the porcelain bowl to make her skinny _(but no matter how hard she tries, she still thinks she's fat)_ and makes the water change colors.

carly and freddie still try to talk to her. she visits more counselors, psychiatrists, and therapists _(but she never says a word)_

after carly talks to some adults, she's taken to more serious places and they try to get her to talk to more serious people.

she is then deemed mentally insane and uncapable to handle average social situations.

she gives her diary to freddie and everything else to carly. freddie opens sam's diary and looks at the end of the first page. below number 16 of her wishlist is a note addressed to freddie.

it is only one sentence long _(but it says more under the letters)_

"i did this for you."

* * *

><p>samantha puckett disappears for years. the rumors swirl. only few know the truth <em>(she's in a mental asylum<em>)

it never does her any good though. she never says a word, never eats, never shows any emotion. she only writes, writes until her hand cramps, writes so hard that her pen stabs holes in the paper. three words addressed to one boy she'll probably never see again.

_(i love you)_

* * *

><p>she is eventually released <em>(just because she hasn't seen the red water in a while)<em>

but it's too late to go back and find what she missed. freddie and carly have already graduated high school _(but it is the last thing she hears that literally makes her go crazy)_

freddie and carly are married. _(she faints)_

* * *

><p>she sees the red water daily and often her tears fall into the sink, mixing with the other two substances like a choreographed dance.<p>

samantha puckett had hopes and dreams, and one of them was that he'd be waiting for her, and he would sweep her into his arms and kiss her _(but of course not. he's carly's)_

she tries even harder to make herself look beautiful _(but her ribs stuck out and her arms, stomach and legs were covered in scars)_

she decides she'll never be beautiful _(but the truth is, he's always thought she was beautiful)_

* * *

><p>she catches sight of them one day in seattle <em>(and carly's even more beautiful as a grown woman<em>)

fortunately, she's in a park, so she hides behind a tree, collapses to her knees and sobs _(she thought she was cured of him, apparently not)_

_(drip, drop, drip, drop)_

* * *

><p>he runs into her one day at the groovy smoothie. she's wearing a thick sweater and baggy pants even though it's eighty degrees outside.<p>

and it hurts him to see her still in a state of depression.

"sam," he says, "i thought you got help."

"they didn't help. they only made it worse."

"you have to tell me what's wrong so i can fix it."

she stares at him. her blue eyes seem to be even darker than they were a long time ago.

"you can't fix it. you belong to carly now."

he stares after her as she leaves _(because that's the truth, he was never hers, but she was always his)_

* * *

><p>samantha puckett dies on july 12, 2015. they say it's because she was anorexic and she cut <em>(but really, she killed herself for him)<em>

he visits her grave, sits for a while, and tries to talk to her. he doesn't care if she can hear him or not _(but he really hopes she can hear him)_

he tells her how he loved her so, so, so much. he tells her that he was so fucking blind. he tells her that she was beautiful no matter what she did to herself. _(old sam or new sam, he still loved her)_

he tells her that he knows she won't go to hell because she's an angel _(a beautiful, amazing angel, he says)_

* * *

><p>freddie divorces carly. carly understands when he tells her, "i did it for sam."<p>

his death is reported in the paper the next day, but it says that he died the same day the divorce was finalized.

the paper says there was a suicide note that didn't seem to be directed at anyone, but when carly saw it, she knew who it was for.

"if you can't go to heaven, then i can't, either."

_(don't cry, i'm here now)_

* * *

><p>samantha puckett got her happy ending.<p>

but not everyone does.


End file.
